Faith Qiao Blog #16 — Left Untitled.
Faith Qiao
Ms. Benedetti
AP English 11
18 May 2022
Blog 16: Left Untitled
Imagine leaning forward, do it now. Take in a breath, let the skin along your stomach line travel deeper into itself. Let it slip past the intestines and feel the air displace itself in your stomach as it bleeds out of your body. Now lean forward, I will tell you how I feel—the sensation of skin folding, the sensation of skin overlapping, and spilling over the side of my pants. I feel the unending sensation that it is still spilling, still folding—folding against itself and pocketing the air between my shirt tucked into my pants and the skin stretching the seams of the shirt until it breaks.
It's like a sack full of maggots and worms, the white ones that wiggle when poked but instead slide against each other leaving trails of their slime along each other before spilling out from the sides of your pants. It's disgusting. It moves on its own—it yanks at your spine so that some worms escape against the line of the bone that supports the weight of your body and pulls you down—down so much that you feel yourself melting against the edge of your pants.
But if you to take a knife and run it along the seam of where the skin begins spilling that sensation may go away. The sack of white worms would be lobbed off and fall to the floor in a sack of red blood and white slime. Maybe the magots would stop inching their way up your spine and fall out with the rushing blood from the open wound. You can see them squirm—squirm their way to breath and bleed. But no matter what they do or how they move or how they breathe, they can't make their way into your skin.
Like a giant stress ball full of worms and no matter how you squish it, it doesn't go away, it just moves to another place, it just keeps falling. So take a hand and grab it—grab the sides of your skin and bundle it together, see it bunch up, see it fold, feel it fold, see the sweat-lined creases and pay your goodbyes. This is your body—and this is the sensation of weight. I hate it, and I want to cut it off—get rid of the bundle of formless fat underneath my skin so I can never feel it move without my control again.
This is anorexia.
This is the sensation that can't seem to go away. I hate the feeling of my body, I hate the way it folds. Whenever I breathe, I feel my skin against my pants and I want to puke—puke whatever is in there out so that the maggots don't have something to feed on.
Image Source: https://www.austinclinic.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/Stubborn-Fat-Cells-and-How-To-Get-Rid-of-Them.jpg
Hi Faith,
ReplyDeleteI know you've been dealing with anorexia for a while, but you've got to stop worrying about something as simple as a few layers of fat. You are amazing, and you are beautiful. Don't let an exaggerated perception of your body ruin your self worth. Please love yourself more. It hurts to see you think of yourself like this.
You don't eat very much, and I hope it's not because of this feeling. If you eat well and go out a few times a week, that's more than enough to be healthy. Starving yourself is never the answer.
Sincerely,
Krish
Hey Faith,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear that you have to deal with anorexia. I understand how difficult eating disorders can be and I am proud of you for however far you have come. I hope you are taking care of yourself and finding ways to get yourself help. Sending lots of love<3
Hi Faith,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you are dealing with anorexia, and I'm glad that you feel comfortable enough to share it with our blog cohort. We learned a little about eating disorders in my AP Psych class, and I understand that they are extremely difficult to deal with. Although I don't understand what you are feeling, I wish you the best.
Hi Faith,
ReplyDeleteIf you ever need someone to talk with, reach out to me. It doesn't even have to be about your issues, it can literally be about anything. As long as I can help, I'll try to find time. Good luck.
Sincerely,
Sean Wang
Hi Faith,
ReplyDeleteI may not know exactly how you feel, but I do know it is difficult to deal with. You have come so far, and I wish you luck as you continue your journey to a healthier life.
Hey Faith, I have surely heard of anorexia, but until today, I never knew what that felt like. The way you described it was so incredibly uncomfortable, and I realize this is how you must feel often. I am so sorry. I'm not going to tell you to stop thinking that way, or to just eat more, because I'd like to believe you would if you could. No one deserves to feel that way, and especially not you. If you ever need anyone to talk to about anything at all, don't hesitate to reach out (I'm pretty sure I have you on Instagram). I'm really glad that you felt safe enough to be vulnerable and to share this with us.
ReplyDeleteHi Faith,
ReplyDeleteI never actually heard of anorexia until reading your post. It really sounds very uncomfortable, and I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you should go and eat, and just continue eating until you truly feel full. I think doing this would lessen your sensation, however, I am not an expert at any of this. If you do ever need help in anything, feel free to let me know about it: I will be there to help.
Sincerely,
Vivan Waghela
Hi Faith,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear about the anorexia that you have been struggling with. The sensations that you described are very discomforting and something that I wish no one would have to experience. If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm free. I really wish you the best in overcoming your difficulties.
Sincerely,
Raymond Yu
Hi Faith,
ReplyDeleteBefore I felt into the content of your blog, I would just like to say that your writing was beautifully well-written. Your writing always seems to grasp me right from the start and while I skim through most blog posts, yours always entrance me to read every detail. I cannot say I suffer from anorexia, but I understand the feeling of hating how your own body looks. I'm short, I'm skinny, and I slouch. I hate looking in the mirror and thinking, "Damn, I look like a disgusting little twig." I constantly wear hoodies and oversized clothing because I hate looking down and seeing the bones of my wrist protruding out, making my arms looking about as sturdy as eggshells. But at the end of the day, looks are just looks. One quote that really resonates with me, disturbingly enough, is "hot people have no personality because they don't need one." I'm proud of the fact that because of my twiggy stature, I have developed quite the, if not favorable, then memorable personality. And Faith, I can most definitely say the same for you. You are a very very hardworking person, I don't even know you that well and I can already tell. You are never afraid to say what you think--that sort of confidence is something I strive for. Words are ineffective in pushing through the layers of self-hatred and insecurity--I know that firsthand--but next time, strive to look past the superficial and realize that beneath the shell that we call our body, we are truly all amazing people.
Best Regards, Yi-Kuan C.